from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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