I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
