If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
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