he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
