It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
