Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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