a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
