I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
