my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
