My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
