by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
