Soap is not a condiment
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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