i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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