i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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