You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
