my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
