she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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