omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
