If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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