Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
