At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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