That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
