And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
