I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
