ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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