I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
