And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
