I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
