Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
