You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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