You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
