my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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