Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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