Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
