I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
