So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
