Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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