Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
