I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you win again, gameday.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
