God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
