As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
