The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
