I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
