I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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