I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
