When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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