i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
