She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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