at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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