I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
