you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
