oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize